Rambling

3 weeks in my new organisation and my worst nitemare came true..
before i started working, all i can think of are d nicest things about d uni n d environment.. sadly, d 1 thing i doubt came true...

"there'll b allocation of rooms for all d academic staff, 1 room each"
pros: more privacy, no disturbance, enjoy all d spaces n make it your own 'nest', no distraction, can have all d concentration i always long for (i can 'smell' repetition-- to be frank, there's only 1 advantage)
cons: too lonely (very contradict, i thought i prefer privacy), don't get to approach other colleagues (basically, there's only 1 issue-friendLESS!!!!!)

how can i not able to make 1 (O-N-E) friend after 21 days???
remember my entry on my encounter wif kamparians, i was very optimistic then but not for now, in d future too (giving up)...

was kinda upset on my 3rd or 4th day (i forgot) coz i was 'chased' away for using d public computer as d 'real' lecturers need them to key in d students' marks.. y on earth was i chased when there r still 2 or 3 not reserved computers in d room, y me? there was another newly recruited staff...

back to d friendLESS issue, would u mind if u sit in an empty cafetaria n eat by yourself?? it neva happened to me before til i get here, i ate alone in 1 big cafetaria-it's d upset-est feeling eva...

i thought i can cope d loneliness as it has been well under control for d past few years.. it shouldnt occur coz i neva have any special 1 whom i share every single thing (happy, excited, gloomy, depressed) happened.. yes, no doubt i hav my parents and friends but they wud b sick of my long-winded manner.. i thought i wud be strong enough to stand on my feet, face d society and tell them 'being single at 24 is not a sin', apparently i myself think it's an offence now after being questioned so many times and d recent ones by my landlady n d bus drivers...

i reminded myself to b patient, i'll have to tahan, endure all d obstacles, tried very hard to suppress my homesickness, lonesomeness etc etc (did not call home once n complain unlike d previous job whereby i called home very often to cry n complain)...
unfortunately, i couldnt take it anymore, there's a limit in everything..........

y m i not heard/seen, i hav been invisible since secondary years, it's as if people couldnt c or hear me, i know i'm not outstanding and do not have d ability to put words in order and b humourous/likeable, plus d physically unappealing factor caused me to feel 'smal' (not literally).. it is by conincidence planted in me, so i carry myself in a not-convincing manner every where i go.. dats my biggest hindrance (c, i know my weak point but do not know how to get rid of it, or perhaps it takes time)..

p/s: i hate fridays, wif no companion, no task i wish to b home... but kinda sick of travelling... i wish to go jalan-jalan, it has been 2 long months since i last do my shopping as in window shopping, catch up wif my gf, watch movies, try some new food, shoes, bajus etc etc...................
yearning for my living-in-ukm/gombak-days, at least i know how to move around by bus, taxi and train or friends who are kind enuff to drive me, here is totally d opposite-neva get out of my housing and uni area before.. hating myself again for not being able to drive.....................

pp/s: told ya i m long-winded.. once i start complaining, it takes time to stop..