sleepy-not really, tired-nop, worry-a lil', angry-nop, frustrated-a lil', in doubt-yes..
wat is bothering me in d middle of the nite- no idea...
I was actually on leave since Wednesday, meaning I was home for nearly a week, but guess wat, all i did was working (marking non-stop, need to go thru one big stack of essays, i swear to myself i would not give any individual in-class work anymore, it's a real torture to me physically & mentally-i do not know whether they are really that weak or they just don't give a damn) and there's another stack waiting to be evaluated..
my students, they are giving me heartache, not all but that few enough to make my blood boil...
sleeping in the class is very unethical, i can only think of 2 possibilities why they did that: it's either i'm insulting their intelligence by giving them some very simple task or i'm just plain boring...
i'm trying to control my temper, do not want to lose it again b'coz it's unfair to the good ones...
i need to repress my feelings, i dislike a few students of mine who annoyed me, they might mean no harm and just want to be friendly but i dunno-i'm just irritated...
my work, i appeared to be very free in everyone's eyes, the students, my bosses, my colleagues as well as the management.. i have no idea what makes them think i m free... i dun feel like i m part of the institution, my voice was never heard.. i actually have not much say and i myself dun wish to say much.. no one ever asks me what i want or what i need, all small or not so big deal type of task will be mine-i'm like a portable rubbish dump which will never say no to any type of rubbish..
my studies, what can i say, it's semester break right now(time flies, i have 4 more subjects to go and writing the dissertation which will mark the end of my masters degree)... currently, putting my files, docs and everything in order.. i really enjoyed one of the courses and i made idiomnary (visit the site, try it and leave me some comments-highly appreciated), learn not so much in one of the subjects but the last course, went thru blood, sweat and tears (lotsa tears) and i really did learn a lot from my 2 very dedicated lecturers though they were harsh at times.. so basically, i do enjoy my classes and love learning, it's just that undergoing it together with a full time job it's very taxing...
my health, it was never sth of my concern b'coz i'm healthy most of the time previously, now, ever since i have difficulties moving bowels, experiencing abnormal menstrual cycle, bearing the ache here and there, i doubt my condition...
my friends, guess i m losing some of them... perhaps i'm a not a good one coz i cannot be there when they need me... yes, i have 800 over friends in facebook and i am sure 95% of them are someone i know in real life-it's just that, i dunno, kinda hate some of the updates i see (for eg, seeing so many of them having the chance to pursue their studies oversea or going for holiday etc etc etc)... tot it was an avenue to keep in touch with frends,unfortunately, people sometimes choose to ignore and god knows why i am so bothered with people not replying me... but loving the games in it which isn't great coz addiction is bad, so yeah love-hate feeling towards facebook...
my family, they are alright.. my mom likes to nag as alwiz, she has so much to say but i know it's for my own good.. she still works with my uncle and i do not know whether is she happy working there... my dad, he's fine and will be going for a holiday next month in shanghai, great isn't it but i'm worried, he isn't young, my mom too... i would like to stay with them to make sure they are alright all the time but it's not possible.. plus, i tend to lose temper/lose control frequently even over petty matters in front of them and when i do, i'll feel guilty...
my relationship, it's all good, it's the best thing which happened to me... no worries, only at times when he complains not feeling well, i get panicky...
a few last words before i start counting sheep, i hope i am alright... i know life is never a bed of roses, i'll try to be positive and move on... at times, i'll stop and ramble b'coz that's the only thing that i can afford to do... i know i should not complain that much and do comparison that often b'coz i am the one who is at the losing end for grieving over some issues that others don't give a shit or worst, they don't even know...
'ignorance is bliss' -will make this my life motto, ignore, close my eyes, appreciate and see those who see me...
good nite~
3 comments:
miss, a lecturer once told me, pursue what u love and dun hold on to something which could make u sad. kinda weird for me to say this, but if being a tutor is too much for u, i would suggest u to quit and focus on ur study. Abt ur frenz not replying, i would say becoz u feel that they dun care abt u, u nid their concern and wanna share a lot of things with them, consciously or unconsciously. Even as a student myself, i would say there are some students which i myself couldn't stand, so this is life, we meet with all kinds of people. Whatever ur decisions, we will support, all we want is u to be happy, nothing less~ ^^ cheers
Yoz beng,
Long time since i drop a note.
Well, I feel what u felt. It's a transition period we have to go through. At times when u feel like everything is juz against u, juz snap ur fingers and say "It's ok". And bulldoze urself thru it. It might seems like dooms day...but hey... it is endless...quiting is not an option, - giving up should neva exist my dear. U r strong, believe u can do it. Life is to short for regrets, so don't give reasons for regrets.
Live life to its fullest!
thank u wee chuan for your kind words, still in the midst of deciding but quitting will be the very last option-it's taugh but i still need to stand up and face them.
angie, yes, i won't give any reason for regrets b'coz life is too short to look back and regret.
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